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No matter how fabulous you are, there's a decent chance that your man's mom might be a total beast to you. According to Terri Apter, PhD, author of What Do You Want From Me? Learning to Get Along With In- Laws, 60 percent of women report having a negative relationship with their guy's mother (compared to just 15 percent of men who say they have tension with their significant other's mom). "She's worried that you're going to usurp her role, and she has to adapt to no longer being the most influential female figure in her son's life," Apter explains. And sometimes she "adapts" by being critical, controlling, nosy, invasive...you name it. Save yourself the fury and headaches and be strategic right from the start.
Don't Be a Pussy
Some women make the mistake of bending over backward to win a difficult mother's approval. "But this puts you in a subservient position that she can then take advantage of," Apter says. "It will be a challenge for you to stand up for yourself in the future." Rather, you have to walk the line between acting like an alpha female while also being respectful to her.
So without getting all up in her face, clearly express what you want. For example, say you're living with your guy and she declares that she's popping in for a last-minute weekend visit, which will mess up plans you already have. Tell her firmly yet nicely, "This weekend doesn't work, but let's get something on the calendar for next month."
Suck It Up and Ask Her for Advice
One reason mothers and girlfriends frequently don't jibe is that his mom is freaking out now that her son has you and thinks she won't be needed anymore. To show her she's still relevant, occasionally turn to her for guidance — like asking her to show you how to make her famous tomato sauce. "She's looking for validation, and this conveys that you respect and admire her," says Malia Mason, PhD, professor of management at Columbia University. Just be careful not to request her help too often or she might overstep her boundaries and start giving her opinion about every little thing.
Refuse to Take the Bait
"My, your dress is tight!" she exclaims while giving you a once-over. Argh! We know it's damn hard, but if your guy's mom says something out of line, resist snapping back at her. Instead, deliver a calm, casual reply, like "It feels just right though. So how was your drive down?" When you act totally unfazed by her nasty comments, she'll realize that she's hitting a wall. And since you're not pushing back, the tension will eventually evaporate.
"Be the bigger person," Mason says. "Your attitude will set a good example and shame her into being equally compassionate." And remember, she's antagonizing you because she's jockeying for power, not because she's evil (we hope!). Ultimately, you two have one major thing in common: You both love her son and want the best for him.
Enlist Your Guy as Backup
Have you ever had a friend who dropped off the face of the earth after landing a boyfriend, getting so wrapped up in him that she forgot about everyone else? Well, that might be how your guy's mom feels now that he's coupled up. It's unfair, but his mom takes out her frustration about being disconnected from him by acting hostile toward you.
The solution? According to Apter, if your man makes her feel included, she'll chill the hell out. Encourage him to keep her in the loop, like by emailing her once a week with news about what he's been up to or inviting her to dinner from time to time.
It's also crucial that she sees what a strong team you and your guy are. So ask him to work a couple of positive comments about you into convos with her — think giving you a compliment or mentioning something nice you did for him. "This shows her how much he loves you and is committed to you," Apter points out. "Knowing that he's happy will encourage her to respect you more."
You may not ever spend a lazy Saturday going shopping and getting a pedicure with her, but at least you can all get along.
also Check out my other blogs|
Me, My, Hubby, and I
No Fakeness
also Check out
MyOpenUniversity.com
MyOpenUniversity.com/Blog
MyOpenUniversity.com/Forum
MyPakTv.co.cc
No matter how fabulous you are, there's a decent chance that your man's mom might be a total beast to you. According to Terri Apter, PhD, author of What Do You Want From Me? Learning to Get Along With In- Laws, 60 percent of women report having a negative relationship with their guy's mother (compared to just 15 percent of men who say they have tension with their significant other's mom). "She's worried that you're going to usurp her role, and she has to adapt to no longer being the most influential female figure in her son's life," Apter explains. And sometimes she "adapts" by being critical, controlling, nosy, invasive...you name it. Save yourself the fury and headaches and be strategic right from the start.
Don't Be a Pussy
Some women make the mistake of bending over backward to win a difficult mother's approval. "But this puts you in a subservient position that she can then take advantage of," Apter says. "It will be a challenge for you to stand up for yourself in the future." Rather, you have to walk the line between acting like an alpha female while also being respectful to her.
So without getting all up in her face, clearly express what you want. For example, say you're living with your guy and she declares that she's popping in for a last-minute weekend visit, which will mess up plans you already have. Tell her firmly yet nicely, "This weekend doesn't work, but let's get something on the calendar for next month."
Suck It Up and Ask Her for Advice
One reason mothers and girlfriends frequently don't jibe is that his mom is freaking out now that her son has you and thinks she won't be needed anymore. To show her she's still relevant, occasionally turn to her for guidance — like asking her to show you how to make her famous tomato sauce. "She's looking for validation, and this conveys that you respect and admire her," says Malia Mason, PhD, professor of management at Columbia University. Just be careful not to request her help too often or she might overstep her boundaries and start giving her opinion about every little thing.
Refuse to Take the Bait
"My, your dress is tight!" she exclaims while giving you a once-over. Argh! We know it's damn hard, but if your guy's mom says something out of line, resist snapping back at her. Instead, deliver a calm, casual reply, like "It feels just right though. So how was your drive down?" When you act totally unfazed by her nasty comments, she'll realize that she's hitting a wall. And since you're not pushing back, the tension will eventually evaporate.
"Be the bigger person," Mason says. "Your attitude will set a good example and shame her into being equally compassionate." And remember, she's antagonizing you because she's jockeying for power, not because she's evil (we hope!). Ultimately, you two have one major thing in common: You both love her son and want the best for him.
Enlist Your Guy as Backup
Have you ever had a friend who dropped off the face of the earth after landing a boyfriend, getting so wrapped up in him that she forgot about everyone else? Well, that might be how your guy's mom feels now that he's coupled up. It's unfair, but his mom takes out her frustration about being disconnected from him by acting hostile toward you.
The solution? According to Apter, if your man makes her feel included, she'll chill the hell out. Encourage him to keep her in the loop, like by emailing her once a week with news about what he's been up to or inviting her to dinner from time to time.
It's also crucial that she sees what a strong team you and your guy are. So ask him to work a couple of positive comments about you into convos with her — think giving you a compliment or mentioning something nice you did for him. "This shows her how much he loves you and is committed to you," Apter points out. "Knowing that he's happy will encourage her to respect you more."
You may not ever spend a lazy Saturday going shopping and getting a pedicure with her, but at least you can all get along.
also Check out my other blogs|
Me, My, Hubby, and I
No Fakeness
also Check out
MyOpenUniversity.com
MyOpenUniversity.com/Blog
MyOpenUniversity.com/Forum
MyPakTv.co.cc
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