9 Things you want to tell your mommy how not to act old

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Send this list of suggestions to her immediately! The advice on how not to seem over the hill made us laugh so hard, we wished we were wearing Depends.

If you thought the mom jeans skit on Saturday Night Live was funny, you’ll love the new book How Not to Act Old by Pamela Redmond Satran. After you finish cringing slash laughing at these nine pieces of advice, e-mail the link to your mom. Trust us, she’ll thank you. And more importantly, she’ll stop saying, “Let’s hook up later!”

When you want to Bitch-Slap your guys mom

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No matter how fabulous you are, there's a decent chance that your man's mom might be a total beast to you. According to Terri Apter, PhD, author of What Do You Want From Me? Learning to Get Along With In- Laws, 60 percent of women report having a negative relationship with their guy's mother (compared to just 15 percent of men who say they have tension with their significant other's mom). "She's worried that you're going to usurp her role, and she has to adapt to no longer being the most influential female figure in her son's life," Apter explains. And sometimes she "adapts" by being critical, controlling, nosy, invasive...you name it. Save yourself the fury and headaches and be strategic right from the start.

Don't Be a Pussy
Some women make the mistake of bending over backward to win a difficult mother's approval. "But this puts you in a subservient position that she can then take advantage of," Apter says. "It will be a challenge for you to stand up for yourself in the future." Rather, you have to walk the line between acting like an alpha female while also being respectful to her.

How to Win a guy in 10 Seconds (FUNNY)

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Sure, you could put on a sexy outfit, give him flirty looks, and hope he gets the message. Or you could follow these pieces of advice from comedian Amy Schumer and guarantee that you get laid tonight.

1. Approach him at a bar and say in a sexy voice, “Hi, do you have gonorrhea? Do you want it?” 

2. Make out with your hand, giving it some long, wet, sensual kisses, to ensure he’s aware of your skills.

3. Casually drop your birth control prescription in front of him so he knows you're down to party.

4. Wear a maternity shirt and say, “Dress for the job you want, right?”

5. Insult everything about him so he thinks you’re better than him. That’s a huge turn-on.

6. Talk about all your favorite Ani DiFranco and Tori Amos songs, then offer to sing him a medley of each one.

7. Let him know that you don’t swallow because of your nut allergy.

8. Begin sobbing uncontrollably out of nowhere, and refuse to explain why. Men love mystery.

9. If he offers to buy you a drink, request a vodka cranberry and mention that you’ve been trying to kick this UTI for weeks.

10. Ask to borrow his phone then erase all the numbers but yours. He’ll know you mean business. He may be mad now, but he'll appreciate it later.

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Health Benefits of Forbidden Food

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It’s a fact of life that as human beings, we typically enjoy what’s bad for us. Whether it’s calorie-laden treats like chocolate, or addictive substances such as alcohol and coffee, it’s hard to say no to our favorite forbidden foods and sweet snacks. However, it’s also typical human behavior that as soon as we deny something, we want it even more! Put an end to any guilty feelings you might have after indulging right now by reading on and seeing that your forbidden food might not be so bad for you after all…

1. Red Wine

Some researchers claim that the positives of drinking red wine go beyond cardiovascular benefits. A number of studies have discovered that an antioxidant concentrated in the skin of the grape, resveratrol, may actually help inhibit the growth of cancerous tumors. Research into the properties of resveratrol also indicates that it may be helpful in the formation of nerve cells, and so could potentially be a factor in the treatment of neurological diseases such as Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.